Today, 22nd March 2023, I celebrate nine whole years alcohol-free, which still seems all kinds of mind-blowingly incredible to me.

I certainly never set out to quit drinking for good when I embarked on this experiment all those years ago. I sure as hell wasn’t ready to stop drinking forever.

But I was oh-so-desperately ready to try something different. My old, broken record just wasn’t working anymore. As much as I tried to cling to the belief that booze made me happy, deep down I knew it wasn’t true.

Something had to give.

Embracing sobriety is never easy. It takes courage, strength, and tenacity. It’s a bold act of rebellion in a society that celebrates alcohol; a commitment to growth and evolution, and all the incredible magic and beauty wrapped up with that.

In other words, it’s a long and bumpy ride; both terrifying and exhilarating in equal measures!

It’s also by far one of the most rewarding and life-changing things I’ve ever done.

So on this day of soberversary celebration, what words of wisdom can I offer you as you embark on (or contemplate) the same journey?

If I could go back in time, there are 3 things I’d tell myself before I stopped drinking:

1. This marks a beginning (even if it feels like the end).

It’s sometimes hard to fathom just how different life is now. Nine years ago, I felt utterly lost, beyond broken, and just so freakin’ exhausted by the sick cycle I couldn’t seem to claw my way out of.  I was terrified – of socialising sober, of never having fun (ever again!), but most of all, of myself.

I didn’t know if sobriety was the answer. All I knew was that my heart was broken, and I was the one breaking it, over and over again.

I was scared of what would happen if I stopped drinking, but I was more scared of what would happen if I didn’t.

So I made a promise. I’d embark on 100 days of sobriety – no drinking, no matter what – just to see what happened.

I knew this experiment would challenge me beyond belief; what I didn’t know is that it had the power to change everything. That I’d finally figure out who I really am, what makes me tick, and what lights me up. That I’d experience the kind of authentic confidence that comes from keeping promises and being able to rely on and trust myself.

And best of all, that I’d experience true clarity around the type of life that fills me with joy — and have no hesitations in going after it.

It’s filled my heart to bursting to realise dreams I never thought I’d achieve – embracing deeper intimacy in my relationships, creating Sexy Sobriety and welcoming and supporting thousands of members from around the world; writing and publishing three real live books!; a ton of speaking opportunities, podcast, video and editorial interviews (heck, even a television story!) sharing the message of wellness and empowerment.

I’ve socialised and vacationed alcohol-free; climbed mountains, cycled through valleys, expanded my creativity, and explored new healing modalities.

But what’s changed most is my very soul. I’ve never felt more clear, balanced, confident, peaceful, joyful, or at home in my own skin.

And I just want to reach back and hug that terrified, lost soul from nine years ago and tell her it’s all going to be okay. That she isn’t broken.

And that far from being the ending she thinks it is, this is actually just the beginning.

2. Your authentic self is beautifully imperfect, just as you are.

As my soberversary approaches each year, it always gets me thinking about where my love affair with alcohol first began.

A little while back, I watched ‘The Carrie Diaries’ (I know, I know, you guys, but it was a tough year, ok? ????).

Now, logically, I know this show is fiction and that every word that comes out of a teenage character’s mouth is written by grown-ass adults, and therefore wise beyond a normal sixteen-year-old’s years – but still…

It got me thinking about the most confident kids in my high school and how relaxed they’d always seemed around new people. How they had zero problem speaking their mind or being completely themselves, in any situation (without the assistance of alcohol).

God, how I wanted that.

That was precisely the thing that made alcohol so seductive to me in the first place – it’s perceived ability to magically transport me from my shy, insecure and goofy self to the confident, outgoing social butterfly I’d always longed to be. It was the reason I romanticised and glamorised it. That was the thing underneath it all.

It wasn’t that I loved alcohol so much – it was that I didn’t feel confident without it, whether I was sixteen or thirty-six. The over-drinking was merely a symptom of the real problem. The problem was that I didn’t know how to be in the world as myself.

For me, this is the deep work and biggest gift of sobriety: accepting and embracing our true selves, and building a new life that supports who we truly are. A life we don’t want to escape from.

The past two years have been hard on all of us, for a ton of different reasons, so wherever you’re at in your journey (whether that’s nine months, or nine hours), I just wanted to let you know: I see you. I believe in you.

And that you are beautifully imperfect and amazing and flawed and unique and goofy and loved, just the way you are.

3. We don’t know what we’re truly capable of until we try.  

Deep, unshakeable confidence comes from taking action. It comes from trying, and failing, and trying again.

You don’t have to have the entire journey mapped out. You only have to take that very next step, and then the next one, and so on.

My initial 100 days of sobriety experiment became 180 days, which became one year, then two, then five…

Honestly, if I’d said I’d be sober for 9 years in the beginning, it would’ve seriously freaked me out. 

I had no clue what that could even look like for me (or for anyone!).

Instead, I focused on taking better care of myself and learning new skills and strategies for navigating all the ups and downs of life. I focused on what I could gain by living alcohol-free, rather than what I believed I’d be missing out on. 

I focused on really getting to know myself again and building a deep level of trust and self-worth.

Each step helped me to amass a wealth of evidence that I could do hard things and prevail – that I was capable of so much more than I’d ever believed possible.

Because, ultimately, that’s what we’re all here for: to experience deeper love and understanding with everyone in our lives, but most especially – and starting with – ourselves.

You are limitless. Go ahead and try, angel. I wish you everything you dream of and more.

Want More?

Throughout my early days of my sobriety, I wrote several articles sharing what I’d learnt. I hope they help you too:

:: 2014 with the decision that started it all:  100 Days Without a Drink.

:: 2015 for MindBodyGreen:  One Year Sober: How Life Has Changed.

:: 2016 for The Huffington Post:  Is It Worth It? Reflections from Two Years of Sobriety.

P.S. How about you? What were your biggest fears before you stopped drinking? What would you tell yourself about early sobriety?  Come share with me on Facebook or Instagram!

If you need some help to go deeper into your sobriety mindset, I have a ton of resources for you!

Start by watching a free special screening of one of our most popular coaching videos – Why Sobriety vs. Moderation.

Ooh, we dive deep into all the big topics in this one: identifying triggers, conquering cravings, overcoming self-sabotage, the benefits of ‘moving the goalpost’, and my thoughts on the concept of ‘forever’. Enter your email below for free instant access!

Every so often a beautiful soul will write to me,  “Bex, do you consider yourself an alcoholic?”

And reading between the lines, I feel the real question she’s asking herself: “Do I have to stop drinking completely?  Was I really that bad?”

How do you feel about labels?

Do you find certain ones (like alcoholic, addict, teetotaller, forever, etc) hold you back from choosing what’s best for you?  Does the Wine Witch have a field day in your head on this very topic?

Now that I’m almost nine-years alcohol-free (holy moly!), I love my non-drinking status, but I must admit, early in my journey it would rattle me whenever someone would comment:  “Oh WOW, how bad WERE you?”  Or, “Woah, I didn’t know you were THAT bad!”

Instantly, a wave of shame would wash over me.  I didn’t want to be labelled ‘bad’ by them, or anyone else.

I didn’t have the words for why it bothered me so much at the time.  But I do now.

They were forgetting one thing.  Granted, alcohol affected me deeply, and my behaviour whilst drinking definitely wasn’t ideal.  But I wasn’t a bad person.  Becoming emotionally addicted to something (whether alcohol, comfort eating, online shopping, or technology) isn’t a moral failing.

As Holly Whitaker so aptly put it:  “Addiction is an experience, not an identity.”

Really think about that with me for a sec.  While we might refer to someone as an ex-smoker, we’re unlikely to call them a ‘cigarretteaholic’ for the rest of their lives, or ask someone if the reason they don’t smoke is because they were ‘that bad’, or because they have ‘a smoking problem’.  As though they’ve done something so shameful that they’ve lost their ‘cigarette privileges’.

We know that smoking is ultimately not a healthy habit for anyone.  Instead, we’re impressed that they had the gumption and self-respect to walk away from an addiction and choose something better for themselves.

Likewise, we can choose not to inhale, drink, or otherwise consume a toxic substance, simply because we want to be happier and healthier.  And we don’t need a label to do it.

In A Happier Hour, I wrote:

“Because in the end, it didn’t matter whether I drank every day, or binge-drank once a week.  What mattered was the effect drinking was having on my soul.  Alcohol wasn’t good for me and I was much better off without it.  People could call that what they liked.”

Labels only hold weight if you want them to.

The label of ‘alcoholic’ resonates with many people around the world. Many people embrace it for themselves because it helps them to remember why they don’t drink.  And I love that for them.

But personally, I’ve never found this label particularly well-defined or helpful.

I know I was most definitely emotionally addicted to alcohol, just as I’ve been addicted to sugar in the past.  But for me, freedom lies in being able to heal that addiction and evolve beyond it.

That is: I was addicted, but I’m not an addict.  I have screwed things up in the past, but I’m not a screw up.  My mistakes and experiences don’t define me – I’m growing and changing every moment of every day (as we all are).

While I’ve never called myself an alcoholic or addict, I do love to say, “I don’t drink”, “I’m a non-drinker”, or “I’m sober.”  All of those phrases and labels feel positive and empowering to me.

And that’s precisely the key point here.  Your labels should feel good to YOU.

No-one else can hang one on you without your consent.

You don’t have to reach your ‘rock bottom’.  You don’t have to decide whether your drinking was ‘bad’ enough to stop completely.

The only question you need to ponder is: is my current situation good enough?  Is this what I truly want in my life?

Choosing to stop drinking completely is not a public admission that there’s something wrong with you.  That you’re ‘diseased and can’t handle your alcohol’.

Quite the opposite.  It’s an incredible act of maturity and strength to choose not to ingest a Class 1 carcinogen – an addictive substance to which anyone can become addicted.  It takes courage to smash through limiting beliefs, face things head on, and actually make huge changes in your life.  Most people don’t.

The great thing about labels is you don’t have to decide on them right now.  You don’t have to assign one to yourself before you can take action.  You don’t have to choose how you want to define yourself from now until forever.

What if, for now, you just said, ‘I feel better when I don’t drink, so I’m not going to drink’?

What if you simply chose self-love?

With love,

PS. Which labels (or lack thereof) feel the best for you? Come share with me on Facebook or Instagram.

And if you need some help to go deeper into your sobriety mindset, I have a ton of resources for you!

Start by watching a free special screening of one of our most popular coaching videos – Why Sobriety vs. Moderation.

Ooh, we dive deep into ALL the big topics in this one: identifying triggers, conquering cravings, overcoming self-sabotage, the benefits of ‘moving the goalpost’, and my thoughts on the concept of ‘forever’. Enter your email below for free instant access!

Every so often a beautiful soul will ask me:

“Bex, do you still crave or miss drinking? I understand that time helps make it easier, but how long did it take until you didn’t miss or crave it?”

In Chapter 9 of A Happier Hour, and all throughout Sexy Sobriety, we often talk about the way ending our relationship with alcohol can feel like the heartbreak of ending any other relationship.

I swear I cried more in the first two months of sobriety than I ever had in my entire life. I cried because I missed it; I cried because I couldn’t imagine the rest of my life without it. It felt devastating that something so stupid could have such an incredible hold over me.

But just like with any breakup, it gets easier. At each milestone – one month, three months, six months – I felt increasingly bigger shifts.

As much as I wish I could tell you it happens quickly, the whole process is more of a slow healing. Some days might feel amazing, like you’ve escaped a poisonous relationship and are free to start again. Others might feel like a long, slow drudge.

Personally, although I had some fabulous days in between, it took a good eight months or so before I started to notice that I didn’t even miss alcohol anymore.

But if I had to do it all over again, I know there are five things in particular that really help the process along:

1.  Let Go.

Deep down, I knew that my relationship with alcohol was toxic, but that didn’t stop me from pining for our life together.

Sadly, so much of my prolonged suffering was the result of me wanting to keep one foot in my new life (sans alcohol) and one firmly in the old one (stuck in my ridiculous old love-hate relationship with drinking).

It’s only natural to grieve for a relationship that may have formed when you were still just a girl; a teenager. It’s normal to see other people drinking (ie: hanging out with your ex) and feel resentful. But resist the urge to romanticise or glamorise the love affair you had.

Remember instead all the crap that relationship put you through – all the times you fell over, lost things, said things you regret, woke up in strange places, and argued with the people who meant the most to you. Remember the morning-after downwards spiral of shame, nausea and paranoia.

Avoid ‘Facebook Fantasyland’ and any other social media channels that display a highlight reel. And ignore your ex (alcohol) when they promise, “It’ll be different this time.” Of course it won’t. It’ll be the exact same drama they’ve always put you through. It always is.

One way to move forward more quickly and minimise your suffering, is to well and truly let go. Make up a little breakup ritual if you’d like to. Remove all alcohol bottles and accessories from your home altogether. Restock your fridge with entirely new drinks and snacks. Signify the end of a relationship that did not serve you.

A break up doesn’t mean it’s the end of our lives; it simply means it’s the end of one chapter and the beginning of potentially an entire new story. Where will your new story take you?

2. Take Great Care of Yourself.

It’s a well-worn trope that the newly-single often treat themselves to a new hairdo, but sometimes these things are cliched for a reason! Do whatever makes you feel your best. Now’s the the time to experiment with a new look, or a new routine.

It’s okay if you eat more junk food or sugar in the first few weeks of sobriety (I certainly did). But eventually you’ll crave a change, and the thing is – the more you look after yourself, the more you’ll want to.

Lavish your broken heart with self care, in any and every form. Sink into a bubble bath, take yourself to a day spa, or get a massage. Hire someone to help you with your finances, delegate some tasks at work, or bring someone in to clean your home. Nourish your body with healthy food, find movement you love⁠, and give yourself the gift of early nights.

Do whatever you need to to ensure you feel well cared for and loved. Remind yourself, with every little action, of this incredible new life you’re creating for yourself. Because there truly is so much to look forward to.

3. Shake it Off.

A fun and savvy trick that can also help the process along?  Breakup songs!

As two of our Sexy Sobriety Members shared:

“ Associating drinking with a bad relationship helps me greatly. I’m a huge music fan and love ‘angry chick songs’ about bad relationships.

My favorite thing to do when I’m singing along at the top of my lungs in the car is to replace the ‘boyfriend’ with the bottle or alcohol!  I tell ya, it works for every breakup song and helps to get that angst out and remind myself that I am a badass!

The absolute best song to switch out the person with alcohol is Fighter by Christina Aguilera!  So empowering.  Listen to every word, it totally works! ”

“ I actually built a whole Spotify playlist for this purpose!  I call it “Roar,” and over time it has grown to over 150 songs.

I started by only adding songs with upbuilding lyrics.  The way I see it, singing is like repeating affirmations over and over, so might as well make them a positive message! ”

I love this concept so much, and they’re right – it absolutely works!  I like to picture the face of The Beast (or the Wine Witch!) whenever I sing:

• Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benatar (okay, so this one probably ages me, ha!).
• I’m Still Standing – Elton John
• Since You’ve Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson
• Stronger – Kelly Clarkson (I mean, pretty much any of Kelly’s songs, right?)

Give it a try!  Pick out a few favourite songs and discover how empowered they make you feel.

4. Try New Things.

Let’s face it, going to the same places as your ex, with the same old friends who all worship your ex, is going to make it that much harder to move on.

A great post-breakup strategy is to shake up the way you socialise (and avoid seeing your ex altogether!). Rather than meeting friends at the pub or catching up over a bottle of wine, make plans to meet for a scrumptious brunch at a cafe with a view, or organise a fun daytime activity you can do together, like long beach walks, a ceramics class, or yoga.

A relationship that we’re unhappy in (thank you very much, hangovers, shame and regret) can be a huge drain on our time, money, and attention. Embrace the chance to channel all that energy into trying new things.

What are you passionate (or even a little bit curious) about? Maybe you’ve always loved to write, draw, paint, scrapbook, take beautiful photos, redecorate, cook, or play an instrument.

Make a plan to fill those hours you would have normally spent drinking. Switch up your routine. Go for a walk before making dinner, if that’s a time you’d usually drink. Take the dog or kids to a new park. Experiment in the kitchen by cooking up a storm or baking. Read (or listen to) a book.

On the weekends, if you’d usually sink into the couch with a few drinks in front of the TV, head out to the cinema or to see a live theatre show instead. Or change things up and watch a movie in bed with some fancy chocolate and a cup of herbal tea. Travel to a new place (day trips count too!).

You’re only limited by your imagination!

Trying new things, taking on new challenges, having a purpose, and having something to look forward to, all boost our self-esteem, fulfilment and happiness. They make it easier to remain focused on what we’re gaining, rather than what we fear we’ve given up.

So write a list of things you’ve always wanted to do, and head on out and try them!

5. Trust the Process.

Oh boy, do I remember how impatient I felt in those first few weeks and months of early sobriety. How frustrated I was at the sheer amount of emotional work it took to heal my relationship with alcohol and myself.

How I wished for the hard part to be over so I could just get to the good part, for crying out loud!

It felt so scary to be making so many huge life changes with no guarantee that it would ever pay off.

It’s only now, with hindsight, that I can look back and see that those challenging days were the ones that changed me the most.

Those days, full of tears and frustration, were where the magic happened; where I built the strong foundation for my present reality. They taught me so many lessons, including trust, self-kindness, and resilience – traits that have come in handy no end in the years since.

Within those darkest days, the true healing happened.

Trust the slow pace, angel.  The healing is happening within, even when you can’t see it or feel it.  Even if it takes longer than you want it to.

Anything worthwhile in life takes time, devotion – and a whole crap-ton of patience. ⁠Keep going. You WILL get there.

You are amazing, and so much stronger than you know.

PS. Which of these resonates with you most? Come share with me on Facebook or Instagram!

And if you need some help to go deeper into your sobriety mindset, I have a ton of resources for you!

Start by watching a free special screening of one of our most popular coaching videos – Why Sobriety vs. Moderation.

We dive deep into ALL the big topics in this one: identifying triggers, conquering cravings, overcoming self-sabotage, the benefits of ‘moving the goalpost’, and my thoughts on the concept of ‘forever’. Enter your email below for free instant access!

In early sobriety, having the right mindset is everything. 

Let’s face it, embarking on any big lifestyle change is bound to be challenging. Not only are we creating new neural pathways in our brain, but we’re also learning how to live again in many ways. That’s some big stuff!

It’s normal to feel terrified of all this change, and in the process, we can find ourselves imagining the worst.

Our minds can be incredibly powerful in helping us to overcome these fears and old patterns, and training our brains to focus on the positive can really supercharge our efforts.

In other words, having powerful ways to reframe our thinking can mean the difference between actually enjoying our sobriety journey, and sinking back into old habits and patterns that no longer serve us.

So how do we flip the switch?

Here are 3 of my favourite magical mindset shifts for early sobriety:

1. Ask the Right Question.

Have you read Tommy Rosen’s book, Recovery 2.0?   I always enjoy reading people’s different perspectives and stories about sobriety, and I especially resonated with this quote:

“Here is a question I have been asked by almost everyone who starts down this path:⁠ “Tommy, is there some way you know of whereby I can drink a little…?”⁠

My answer is always the same. “You are asking the wrong question. What you really want to know is “How can I be happy and free?” ⁠

Since you equate drinking… with happiness, you simply don’t want to let them go. And yet, when you take a look at your history, it is probably easy for you to see that your ‘habit’ with this thing has not brought you happiness, but rather a lot of pain and suffering. 

How strange that you would like to find a way to continue something that has been so painful!⁠”

I loved this so much.

Back when I was desperately trying (and failing) to moderate my drinking, I’d go around and around in my (hungover) head, thinking:⁠

Well, it’s not like I’m a falling-down-in-the-gutter drunk, or anything. I haven’t lost my job, or crashed my car… Surely I don’t have to give it up completely?!⁠

Turns out I was asking entirely the wrong question. The right one – the one that shifted everything – was:⁠ ⁠

What was I giving up by continuing to drink?⁠ ⁠

It was such a powerful reframe.

Continually asking, “Am I really that bad?” wasn’t the key to a new perspective or the happiness I craved.

Instead, asking, “Is this situation good enough for me, and the life I truly want?” allowed me to see everything through fresh eyes, and move forward in a whole new way.

Ask the right question. It has the power to change everything.

2. Surrender your idea of who you used to be

It’s funny how attached we become to our old ideas and identities. Every now and then, I notice that when Dom or a friend suggests a certain activity (like playing golf, ice skating, or camping), my immediate, knee-jerk reaction is, “No way. I’ve tried that and I don’t like it.”

And maybe I did try it once upon a time. But I was a different person then. I had a different outlook, not to mention, a very different hierarchy of values.

I really fell in love with this mindset shift when Dom and I moved homes a few years ago. Boy, did this move bring up a lot of angst for me. I was so excited about our new home, and yet… there’s so much change involved in moving house, right? Change of neighbourhood, local hangouts, familiar faces. There’s so much temptation to cling to the old – to reminisce and romanticise things that no longer serve us – rather than embrace the new.

I know I also did this in early sobriety, and I’m guessing at some point you’ve felt it, too. I mean, if I wasn’t the woman always first in line at the bar, ordering drinks for everyone and helping them have a good time, then who was I? 

Indeed, so much of the emotional rollercoaster of early sobriety comes from the grief and struggle over letting go of our old identity.

If there’s one thing that’s true about sobriety, it’s that we change, grow, and evolve at lightning-quick pace.

Minds change. Hearts open. Quantum leaps take place.

As Cheryl Strayed put it so brilliantly:

“Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”

3. Recognise that Growth Generates Happiness.

When I first stopped drinking, I often felt annoyed at how hard it felt. My inner teenager would pitch a fit for DAYS about why *I* had to be the one to change, while others stayed cozy in their comfort zones. ⁠

Slowly I realised that I had it all wrong. I didn’t have to change. I could easily choose to keep stubbornly plodding down the path I was on; a path that was making me increasingly unhappy.⁠

Or I could think about how amazing it was that I got to change. That my heart had requested more from life, and what an incredible gift that was in itself.⁠

Because, here’s the thing: although it can feel scary, uncomfortable and painful at times, over the long term, it truly is growth that generates happiness. ⁠

Not staying stuck. Or being afraid to be different from our friends or family.

Not consuming more drinks or food or clothes or electronics, or the myriad of other things our society tells us to consume in order to find happiness.

Not shrinking yourself to be the same person you were a year ago. ⁠

But, taking action. Solving problems. Overcoming new challenges. Boldly going deeper into your connection with other people.

Reaching your full potential. ⁠

So go ahead and grow, angel. Follow your heart.

Give yourself permission to change and evolve and become anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to be.

We get to do this.

P.S.  Your mind is incredibly powerful in helping you to overcome old patterns, and training your brain to focus on the positive can really supercharge your efforts. Which mindset shift will you use today? Come share with me on Facebook or Instagram!

If you need some help to go deeper into your sobriety mindset, I have a ton of resources for you!

Start by watching a free special screening of one of our most popular coaching videos – Why Sobriety vs. Moderation.

Ooh, we dive deep into all the big topics in this one: identifying triggers, conquering cravings, overcoming self-sabotage, the benefits of ‘moving the goalpost’, and my thoughts on the concept of ‘forever’. Enter your email below for free instant access!

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If not, don’t worry, I won’t give you any spoilers, but it starts out with a woman who struggles on a daily basis with insecurity, low self-esteem, and feeling like she’s failing at life.

Something happens (again, no spoilers!) and just like that, in a single moment, it’s like she becomes a completely different person. Suddenly she has swagger. She starts kicking goals at work, talking to people she’d never had the nerve to before, and asking out cute guys.

The curious part? Her looks, job, and situation are all exactly the same as they were before.

The one and only thing that changed? Her thoughts and beliefs.

For the first time, she believes she is beautiful and capable. She has complete confidence in her abilities and her potential. She thinks like a happy, self-assured, successful person.

Her thoughts and beliefs completely change her behaviour. She becomes those things (clever, captivating, confident) simply because she believes she is.

I loved this so much because I was totally on board with the message. Our thoughts are so powerful. We are what we eat, and we are what we think.

Tragically, fear of failure can hold us back from getting more out of life. It can stop us before we’ve even started – whether we’re talking sobriety, or embracing any other life challenge.

Learning to trust and love ourselves, and growing in confidence, requires an unlearning of all the negative thought processes that got us here in the first place.

That’s where a good reframe can come in handy.

In particular, here are my favourite 2 ways to reframe failure in sobriety (and in life!):

1. No Failure, Only Lessons.

Have you seen the documentary, ‘Losers’ on Netflix?

It’s such a brilliant series with a powerful message about heartbreak, resilience, starting over, and the strength of the human spirit.

I especially loved the episode with ice skating star and international gold medalist, Surya Bonaly, and the part at the end where she talks to a young girl’s skating group in Harlem.

One of the girls asks Surya if she ever felt like giving up, and Surya answers:

“Sometimes it’s hard. Many days on the ice, you feel like crying. But winning a competition is not the most important thing in life. You don’t have to wait for a medal to make your life different. A medal is nice but it’s not the most important thing. A medal is superficial. It’s not real. If you give one hundred percent and you know you did your best, feel good about that, feel positive and move on… Try to be a good person, a good athlete and student, without trying to get a medal.”

It reminded me of how often we seek approval and validation from others – when all that really matters is that we stay true to ourselves and fully express what’s in our hearts.

It also reminded me of a quote I love from Kyle Cease:

“The reason you seek approval from others is because you’re not getting it from yourself.”⠀

What if we did what we loved, or followed our own path – not for validation or approval from others, but simply for the joy of self-expression and discovery? Simply to experience deeper creativity and celebrate what it means to be fully alive?

What would we do if we knew we couldn’t fail?

Or, as this documentary series so aptly points out; what would you do if you knew that the only way you could possibly fail… was not to try in the first place?

For you, and no-one else. Purely for you.

And really, when you stop to think about it, isn’t it kind of bizarre how scared we all are of failing?

For me, the sense of shame that accompanied any perceived failure was deeply entrenched in what other people would think of me.

I completely overlooked what failure would mean for my own sense of self-worth; for my growth and ultimate strength of character. I completely disregarded the fact that daring to fail means we were brave enough to try in the first place; that it speaks volumes about the strength and courage of our hearts.

The fact is, everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t mean we’re stupid or a failure; it means we had the courage to try something new. That’s something to be incredibly proud of.

The most successful people in the world – the people who have achieved the greatest things – have failed a ton of times. They’ve had the courage to dream, and to try and try again; to put themselves out there and see what happened.

Being emotionally healthy and mature means putting more value on our growth than on the lofty heights of perfection. It means owning our mistakes and learning from them. It means giving yourself a chance to try, and fail, and try again.⁠

It’s okay if new habits don’t ‘stick’ the first time around. It’s okay if we mess up, make mistakes, or don’t always get it right. What matters most is what we do next.

So go ahead and practice, try, and blunder. Give it your best shot. You have absolutely everything in the world to gain.

Here’s to your growth.

2. Everything is Progress.

Back when I tap-tap-tapped away writing Up All Day, I found myself writing about the first time I went to a networking event sober.

I was so nervous at this event. I was so worried about what the other biz owners would make of me; so anxious to say the right thing; hell bent on proving to myself that I could absolutely mingle without booze.⁠

It was eerily similar to the first time Dom and I were interviewed by a TV program. Afterwards, my mind raced as I painstakingly went over every single word I’d said, whether I’d gotten my point across clearly, and all the tiny details I could have said and done differently. ⁠

I was so absorbed in the mental dissection of my responses that, at first, I barely even heard Dom say:

“I think we did really well for our first time!”⁠

As I turned to look at him, his words slowly sunk in, and it dawned on me how much pressure I always put on myself to get it right the first time. How little grace and wiggle room I left myself for simply practicing a new skill (like networking sober), without demanding that I exceed my every expectation.⁠

Suddenly I realised: my constant striving for instant perfection wasn’t self-love; it was quite the opposite.⁠

Whether we’re talking work, relationships, health, or sobriety, it can be so easy to be hard on ourselves and berate ourselves for not being further along on our journey – and so easy to forget the goalposts and milestones we’ve already achieved. ⁠

But what if we let go of all the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves, and approached something new as simply just ‘practice’? Would we approach it with a lighter heart? With more joy and creativity? ⁠

Because if we went back and reviewed our history and recognised how far we’ve already come, we might just find ourselves celebrating our evolution, and feeling gratitude for all the lessons we’ve experienced so far (even the hard, messy ones!).

We might just discover that progress is a heck of a lot more beautiful and rewarding than perfection will ever be.

Yup, all of it. The ups, the downs, and the in-betweens. The re-starts, the backwards steps, and the do-overs.

Every single step of it has helped us to know more now than we did yesterday. Every bit of it has helped us to grow and evolve in ways that we might not even be aware of yet.

By tomorrow we’ll have grown even more.

There is no such thing as failure, angel. You are not broken, and you are not your past mistakes. Each slip is just one tiny blip in an ongoing journey of development. Each blunder makes you stronger than if you’d never tried.

Show yourself a ton of grace and love. Praise your efforts, and cheer yourself on for doing something so brave and beautiful.

Everything is a learning experience, and everything is progress.

I’m so proud of you.

Read more in Chameleon – a book about the danger of giving our power away to others, the magic of finding our way back to ourselves, and how each of us can begin to build a deep and unshakeable confidence.  Enter your email below to read the first chapter.

One woman in particular had a habit of drinking too much and making a fool of herself in front of her dates. Frustrated with witnessing this pattern of behaviour time and again, the host finally yelled:

“How can you expect anyone else to love and respect you, if you don’t love and respect yourself?!”

It was a sentiment I’d heard before, of course, but something about the way he said it, and the context in which it was said, meant it tumbled around my head for days.

I thought about my internal monologue and how critical I always was of myself and my body.

I noticed my unhealthy addictions to sugar, social media – and most especially – to alcohol.

Squirming, I observed my habit of people-pleasing for fear of being rejected, and the multitude of ways I let myself down and broke promises to myself.

Could it be that all these patterns were merely symptoms of a dysfunctional relationship with myself?

As I began my quest of sobriety and self-discovery, I discovered that when we say things like: “When I find that perfect job/partner/friend (or in my case, “when he starts acting better”), then I’ll be happy,” we give our power away. We put the keys to our happiness into someone else’s pocket.

The truth is, the most important and powerful relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. Everything else – all of our other relationships, fulfilment, creativity, health and happiness – first flow from there.

What if you spoke kindly to yourself, forgave your mistakes, followed your heart, encouraged your dreams, cheered yourself on, made your wellness a priority, and believed you could do it? How would that play out in the rest of your life? How would it permeate your relationships, boost your energy levels and self-belief, and ultimately help you reach for your dreams?

Really think about that with me for a minute. Because we weren’t designed to stay small. We were created to stretch, to try new things, and to reach our beautiful potential. To follow our hearts, always, even when it’s scary.

To learn what love truly means and to practice it with everyone in our lives, starting with ourselves.

I know that’s much easier said than done. Learning to love ourselves unconditionally is a long and winding journey. It encompasses self-trust (repairing your relationship with yourself), self-care (parenting yourself), self-worth and self-esteem (feeling good about yourself), and self-belief and self-confidence (trusting in your abilities).

Valentine’s Day is a great day to start this process and begin a lifelong romance with yourself. To start something that excites you – whether that’s visiting your favourite art galleries, starting a new passion project, or enrolling in that class you’ve always wanted to try. To get to know yourself; figure out what fills your heart with joy, and do more of it.

But where to even begin?

Here are 3 ways to show yourself more love, today and always:

1. Forgive yourself.

I was out to lunch with a friend one day when she leaned in, took my hand, and sincerely apologised for something she’d done back when we were drunken teenagers. It was a tiny thing and I vaguely remembered the incident when she mentioned it, but honestly hadn’t given it a moment’s thought in the twenty-five years since.

As I pulled her into a hug and reassured her that it was all water under the bridge, it hurt my heart to know she was still carrying around so much guilt and shame over something so silly that had happened so long ago.

And oh boy, am I familiar with those emotions. Back when I was drinking, I remember how much I used to beat myself up over my inability to moderate. The shame I’d feel the next morning; the anxiety over what others might think of me…

But, here’s the thing. Guilt, shame, and regret only serve to block our growth and keep us from learning who we truly are.

There’s a reason we start with forgiveness on Day 1 of Sexy Sobriety – because it’s crucial for cleaning the slate.

Limiting beliefs, previous heartbreaks, and toxic thoughts can keep us stuck in old patterns, when we so desperately want to move forward. They can cause us to subconsciously sabotage ourselves over and over again, and not really understand why.

Holding on to stuff from the past keeps us energetically stuck back there, instead of allowing for growth and change. It blocks us from creating space for something new to emerge.

Not to mention, it’s damn near impossible to practice self-love when we’re still holding a massive grudge against ourselves.

My point is that we often hold onto things that no longer serve us, and resist moving forward unencumbered. We can be experts at dredging up the past in our own heads and letting these haunted memories make us feel terrible about ourselves.

A natural part of early sobriety is experiencing memories and facing the past – often part of the reason we found drinking so seductive in the first place. How you handle these emotions and flashbacks is up to you.

You can kick and scream and refuse to let them be heard, shoving them down where they can fester and drive other addictive behaviours. You can continue to let them upset you, reliving them over and over again in your head. Or you can face them, forgive and release it all, and move forward in an emotionally healthy new way.

Believe me when I say I tried every single one of these strategies, and the only one that brought me any peace was the last one.

No matter what your journey has been like up to this point, and no matter how many perceived ‘failures’ you’ve experienced, forgive yourself. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. That stuff is done.

Your past doesn’t have to define your future. Give yourself permission to start again. Open your heart, learn from the lessons, and allow yourself to move on.

2. Explore your passions.

Once upon a time, I used to kid that I was simply “extremely passionate” about drinking.

The truth is, just as with any addiction (whether we’re talking alcohol, food, overwork, shopping, scrolling, or gambling), I was stuck in a never-ending hamster wheel – driven by impulse, time and again, to attain a goal that lacked the depth required to truly fulfil me.

I love this quote on the topic from Dr Gabor Maté’s book ‘In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts‘:

⁠ ⁠⁠“Addiction is centrifugal. It sucks the energy from you, creating a vacuum of inertia. A passion energizes you and enriches your relationships. It empowers you and gives strength to others. Passion creates; addiction consumes…” ⁠⁠

The most exciting and deeply powerful part is that as we release old addictions, we open up infinite time, space, and energy for our curiosity and passions in life – things that are actually good for us and everyone around us. Passions like healthy cooking, fitness, arts and creativity, higher education, travel and adventure, helping others, and volunteering to support causes we care deeply about.⁠

Meaningful activities that make the world a better place, help us to feel more connected, boost our self-esteem, and give us a natural high we can actually feel good about.
⁠
The thing about being in a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol for a long time is that we can forget what on earth we used to enjoy doing, before wine came along.

What do you enjoy? What are you good at? Is there something you’ve always wanted to try? What will your passion inspire you to create?

Where will your heart lead you?

As humans, we’re all unique in our likes and dislikes. The fun part is discovering what lights you up.

3. Practice radical self-care.

Discovering new things you’re good at, and exploring stuff you’re curious about, are just one way to boost your self-esteem, of course. Another method is through self-care, specifically ‘adulting’ (oh no!) when you don’t really want to.

Doing things like taking care of long-overdue medical appointments, resting when you need to instead of endlessly pushing yourself past your limits, and organising your finances. Actions that might feel scary in the moment but ultimately make you feel proud of yourself and build your self-esteem.

I’d always believed that ‘self-care’ was simply about massages and bubble baths. To discover that, in actual fact, it was more about embracing my inner child and parenting myself, totally blew my mind.⁣⁠

The entire concept of real self-care was so foreign to me that, in early sobriety, one of my ruling mantras became:

“Self-care is my number one priority right now.” ⁣⁠

As I repeated this over and over, I started finishing work at a healthy time, avoiding overwhelm, and taking myself to bed early. I gave myself permission to feel my emotions (even when it was scary), to stop trying to be Wonder Woman and do it all, and to avoid people or places that triggered me, even if that meant backing out of events or declining invitations. I learnt how to take better care of my finances and establish healthy boundaries, and took responsibility for the people I surrounded myself with. ⁣⁠

Although I wasn’t always great at any of these things (especially the first time around), each time I chose my longer-term health and happiness over what was immediately comfortable or easy, I got a little better at them. ⁣⁠

The truth is, just like happiness, self-care is an inside job. No one can do this for us, and it’s not always fun, easy, or simple.⁣⁠

But as we learn better methods of self-care, we become happier, healthier people. ⁣⁠When we’re in touch with ourselves and our own feelings, we’re more able to show love and compassion for others. ⁣⁠When we’re filling our own bodies and emotional tanks with self-respect and loving care, we in turn have much more to give to our families, friends, and the world at large.⁣⁠

Most importantly, we develop a deep sense of respect and love for ourselves. A love that is unshakeable, and is not dependent on the opinions or approval of others.

A love that can move mountains, this Valentine’s Day and always.

PS. How about you?  What are your favourite ways to show yourself more love?  Come share with me on Facebook or Instagram!

Read more in Chameleon – a book about the danger of giving our power away to others, the magic of finding our way back to ourselves, and how each of us can begin to build a deep and unshakeable confidence.  Enter your email below to read the first chapter.