In early sobriety, having the right mindset is everything. 

Let’s face it, embarking on any big lifestyle change is bound to be challenging. Not only are we creating new neural pathways in our brain, but we’re also learning how to live again in many ways. That’s some big stuff!

It’s normal to feel terrified of all this change, and in the process, we can find ourselves imagining the worst.

Our minds can be incredibly powerful in helping us to overcome these fears and old patterns, and training our brains to focus on the positive can really supercharge our efforts.

In other words, having powerful ways to reframe our thinking can mean the difference between actually enjoying our sobriety journey, and sinking back into old habits and patterns that no longer serve us.

So how do we flip the switch?

Here are 3 of my favourite magical mindset shifts for early sobriety:

1. Ask the Right Question.

Have you read Tommy Rosen’s book, Recovery 2.0?   I always enjoy reading people’s different perspectives and stories about sobriety, and I especially resonated with this quote:

“Here is a question I have been asked by almost everyone who starts down this path:⁠ “Tommy, is there some way you know of whereby I can drink a little…?”⁠

My answer is always the same. “You are asking the wrong question. What you really want to know is “How can I be happy and free?” ⁠

Since you equate drinking… with happiness, you simply don’t want to let them go. And yet, when you take a look at your history, it is probably easy for you to see that your ‘habit’ with this thing has not brought you happiness, but rather a lot of pain and suffering. 

How strange that you would like to find a way to continue something that has been so painful!⁠”

I loved this so much.

Back when I was desperately trying (and failing) to moderate my drinking, I’d go around and around in my (hungover) head, thinking:⁠

Well, it’s not like I’m a falling-down-in-the-gutter drunk, or anything. I haven’t lost my job, or crashed my car… Surely I don’t have to give it up completely?!⁠

Turns out I was asking entirely the wrong question. The right one – the one that shifted everything – was:⁠ ⁠

What was I giving up by continuing to drink?⁠ ⁠

It was such a powerful reframe.

Continually asking, “Am I really that bad?” wasn’t the key to a new perspective or the happiness I craved.

Instead, asking, “Is this situation good enough for me, and the life I truly want?” allowed me to see everything through fresh eyes, and move forward in a whole new way.

Ask the right question. It has the power to change everything.

2. Surrender your idea of who you used to be

It’s funny how attached we become to our old ideas and identities. Every now and then, I notice that when Dom or a friend suggests a certain activity (like playing golf, ice skating, or camping), my immediate, knee-jerk reaction is, “No way. I’ve tried that and I don’t like it.”

And maybe I did try it once upon a time. But I was a different person then. I had a different outlook, not to mention, a very different hierarchy of values.

I really fell in love with this mindset shift when Dom and I moved homes a few years ago. Boy, did this move bring up a lot of angst for me. I was so excited about our new home, and yet… there’s so much change involved in moving house, right? Change of neighbourhood, local hangouts, familiar faces. There’s so much temptation to cling to the old – to reminisce and romanticise things that no longer serve us – rather than embrace the new.

I know I also did this in early sobriety, and I’m guessing at some point you’ve felt it, too. I mean, if I wasn’t the woman always first in line at the bar, ordering drinks for everyone and helping them have a good time, then who was I? 

Indeed, so much of the emotional rollercoaster of early sobriety comes from the grief and struggle over letting go of our old identity.

If there’s one thing that’s true about sobriety, it’s that we change, grow, and evolve at lightning-quick pace.

Minds change. Hearts open. Quantum leaps take place.

As Cheryl Strayed put it so brilliantly:

“Don’t surrender all your joy for an idea you used to have about yourself that isn’t true anymore.”

3. Recognise that Growth Generates Happiness.

When I first stopped drinking, I often felt annoyed at how hard it felt. My inner teenager would pitch a fit for DAYS about why *I* had to be the one to change, while others stayed cozy in their comfort zones. ⁠

Slowly I realised that I had it all wrong. I didn’t have to change. I could easily choose to keep stubbornly plodding down the path I was on; a path that was making me increasingly unhappy.⁠

Or I could think about how amazing it was that I got to change. That my heart had requested more from life, and what an incredible gift that was in itself.⁠

Because, here’s the thing: although it can feel scary, uncomfortable and painful at times, over the long term, it truly is growth that generates happiness. ⁠

Not staying stuck. Or being afraid to be different from our friends or family.

Not consuming more drinks or food or clothes or electronics, or the myriad of other things our society tells us to consume in order to find happiness.

Not shrinking yourself to be the same person you were a year ago. ⁠

But, taking action. Solving problems. Overcoming new challenges. Boldly going deeper into your connection with other people.

Reaching your full potential. ⁠

So go ahead and grow, angel. Follow your heart.

Give yourself permission to change and evolve and become anything and everything you’ve ever wanted to be.

We get to do this.

P.S.  Your mind is incredibly powerful in helping you to overcome old patterns, and training your brain to focus on the positive can really supercharge your efforts. Which mindset shift will you use today? Come share with me on Facebook or Instagram!

If you need some help to go deeper into your sobriety mindset, I have a ton of resources for you!

Start by watching a free special screening of one of our most popular coaching videos – Why Sobriety vs. Moderation.

Ooh, we dive deep into all the big topics in this one: identifying triggers, conquering cravings, overcoming self-sabotage, the benefits of ‘moving the goalpost’, and my thoughts on the concept of ‘forever’. Enter your email below for free instant access!

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. If you choose to make a purchase via these links, we may earn a small commission that in turn helps us to reach and support more women around the world.

If not, don’t worry, I won’t give you any spoilers, but it starts out with a woman who struggles on a daily basis with insecurity, low self-esteem, and feeling like she’s failing at life.

Something happens (again, no spoilers!) and just like that, in a single moment, it’s like she becomes a completely different person. Suddenly she has swagger. She starts kicking goals at work, talking to people she’d never had the nerve to before, and asking out cute guys.

The curious part? Her looks, job, and situation are all exactly the same as they were before.

The one and only thing that changed? Her thoughts and beliefs.

For the first time, she believes she is beautiful and capable. She has complete confidence in her abilities and her potential. She thinks like a happy, self-assured, successful person.

Her thoughts and beliefs completely change her behaviour. She becomes those things (clever, captivating, confident) simply because she believes she is.

I loved this so much because I was totally on board with the message. Our thoughts are so powerful. We are what we eat, and we are what we think.

Tragically, fear of failure can hold us back from getting more out of life. It can stop us before we’ve even started – whether we’re talking sobriety, or embracing any other life challenge.

Learning to trust and love ourselves, and growing in confidence, requires an unlearning of all the negative thought processes that got us here in the first place.

That’s where a good reframe can come in handy.

In particular, here are my favourite 2 ways to reframe failure in sobriety (and in life!):

1. No Failure, Only Lessons.

Have you seen the documentary, ‘Losers’ on Netflix?

It’s such a brilliant series with a powerful message about heartbreak, resilience, starting over, and the strength of the human spirit.

I especially loved the episode with ice skating star and international gold medalist, Surya Bonaly, and the part at the end where she talks to a young girl’s skating group in Harlem.

One of the girls asks Surya if she ever felt like giving up, and Surya answers:

“Sometimes it’s hard. Many days on the ice, you feel like crying. But winning a competition is not the most important thing in life. You don’t have to wait for a medal to make your life different. A medal is nice but it’s not the most important thing. A medal is superficial. It’s not real. If you give one hundred percent and you know you did your best, feel good about that, feel positive and move on… Try to be a good person, a good athlete and student, without trying to get a medal.”

It reminded me of how often we seek approval and validation from others – when all that really matters is that we stay true to ourselves and fully express what’s in our hearts.

It also reminded me of a quote I love from Kyle Cease:

“The reason you seek approval from others is because you’re not getting it from yourself.”⠀

What if we did what we loved, or followed our own path – not for validation or approval from others, but simply for the joy of self-expression and discovery? Simply to experience deeper creativity and celebrate what it means to be fully alive?

What would we do if we knew we couldn’t fail?

Or, as this documentary series so aptly points out; what would you do if you knew that the only way you could possibly fail… was not to try in the first place?

For you, and no-one else. Purely for you.

And really, when you stop to think about it, isn’t it kind of bizarre how scared we all are of failing?

For me, the sense of shame that accompanied any perceived failure was deeply entrenched in what other people would think of me.

I completely overlooked what failure would mean for my own sense of self-worth; for my growth and ultimate strength of character. I completely disregarded the fact that daring to fail means we were brave enough to try in the first place; that it speaks volumes about the strength and courage of our hearts.

The fact is, everyone makes mistakes. It doesn’t mean we’re stupid or a failure; it means we had the courage to try something new. That’s something to be incredibly proud of.

The most successful people in the world – the people who have achieved the greatest things – have failed a ton of times. They’ve had the courage to dream, and to try and try again; to put themselves out there and see what happened.

Being emotionally healthy and mature means putting more value on our growth than on the lofty heights of perfection. It means owning our mistakes and learning from them. It means giving yourself a chance to try, and fail, and try again.⁠

It’s okay if new habits don’t ‘stick’ the first time around. It’s okay if we mess up, make mistakes, or don’t always get it right. What matters most is what we do next.

So go ahead and practice, try, and blunder. Give it your best shot. You have absolutely everything in the world to gain.

Here’s to your growth.

2. Everything is Progress.

Back when I tap-tap-tapped away writing Up All Day, I found myself writing about the first time I went to a networking event sober.

I was so nervous at this event. I was so worried about what the other biz owners would make of me; so anxious to say the right thing; hell bent on proving to myself that I could absolutely mingle without booze.⁠

It was eerily similar to the first time Dom and I were interviewed by a TV program. Afterwards, my mind raced as I painstakingly went over every single word I’d said, whether I’d gotten my point across clearly, and all the tiny details I could have said and done differently. ⁠

I was so absorbed in the mental dissection of my responses that, at first, I barely even heard Dom say:

“I think we did really well for our first time!”⁠

As I turned to look at him, his words slowly sunk in, and it dawned on me how much pressure I always put on myself to get it right the first time. How little grace and wiggle room I left myself for simply practicing a new skill (like networking sober), without demanding that I exceed my every expectation.⁠

Suddenly I realised: my constant striving for instant perfection wasn’t self-love; it was quite the opposite.⁠

Whether we’re talking work, relationships, health, or sobriety, it can be so easy to be hard on ourselves and berate ourselves for not being further along on our journey – and so easy to forget the goalposts and milestones we’ve already achieved. ⁠

But what if we let go of all the unrealistic expectations we put on ourselves, and approached something new as simply just ‘practice’? Would we approach it with a lighter heart? With more joy and creativity? ⁠

Because if we went back and reviewed our history and recognised how far we’ve already come, we might just find ourselves celebrating our evolution, and feeling gratitude for all the lessons we’ve experienced so far (even the hard, messy ones!).

We might just discover that progress is a heck of a lot more beautiful and rewarding than perfection will ever be.

Yup, all of it. The ups, the downs, and the in-betweens. The re-starts, the backwards steps, and the do-overs.

Every single step of it has helped us to know more now than we did yesterday. Every bit of it has helped us to grow and evolve in ways that we might not even be aware of yet.

By tomorrow we’ll have grown even more.

There is no such thing as failure, angel. You are not broken, and you are not your past mistakes. Each slip is just one tiny blip in an ongoing journey of development. Each blunder makes you stronger than if you’d never tried.

Show yourself a ton of grace and love. Praise your efforts, and cheer yourself on for doing something so brave and beautiful.

Everything is a learning experience, and everything is progress.

I’m so proud of you.

Read more in Chameleon – a book about the danger of giving our power away to others, the magic of finding our way back to ourselves, and how each of us can begin to build a deep and unshakeable confidence.  Enter your email below to read the first chapter.